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Like Um: Conversational Ice Picks

I think I’m officially old now. I’ve discovered that, for the most part, I’m not overly fond of 20-somethings and under. Disclaimer time. This post is probably going to come off sounding like generalized generation bashing, but I assure you that’s not my intent; I hate all generations equally. Also, I’m sure I was an…

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Q & A With My iTunes Library Part 4

It’s Friday and I can’t think of anything else to write about, so we’re going to do another Q & A session with my music library. Q & A With My iTunes Library is where I answer questions asked by songs in my music library with other songs in my music library. First, I searched…

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How Domestic Violence Got Me Out Of Jury Duty

Are there any two words that induce as much dread as jury duty? Why, yes, Goldfish, I can think of many dread-inducing two-word phrases, e.g. malignant cancer, pap test, electric chair, spider face, pantsless clown, etc. Alright, so there are two-word phrases than are more dreaded than jury duty, still jury duty is not fun.…

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Never Have I Ever

When I was young and stupid enough to play drinking games, my friends and I played a game called Never have I ever where someone would say something that they’ve never done, and if you have done the thing they mention, you have to drink. I drank a lot because there was rarely anything I…

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I Couldn’t Wait

When I was five, I couldn’t wait to be six. I counted age by quarters. I’m five and a half. I’m five and three quarters. I’m almost six. I am six years old. When I was ten, I couldn’t wait to be a teenager. Only three more years until I’m a teen. When I am…

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Bragging Rights & Badges

The reason I love Mad Lib contests, besides the fact that they’re funny as hell, is that it’s really anyone’s game. It’s not necessarily the words that are funny, but the context and you can’t know how they fit into the story until afterward. Unlike the last contest when we had three two-way ties, this…

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The Entries Are In! Vote Now!

Last week, I held a silly contest wherein you were to fill out a form with some words that I would then plug into a narrative, Mad Lib style. The original text is from a sad piece of fiction I wrote about a car accident cutting short the career of a promising young basketball player……

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Last Chance To Win!

Dear most valued customer, This is a reminder that open enrollment for the 3rd Annual Fish Of Gold Mad Lib Extravaganza Givawayery ends tomorrow. If you do not enter, you will be assessed with a tax penalty in the 2014 calendar year and gnomes will come to your house to watch you while you sleep.…

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6 Things American TV Shows Should Stop Doing

I don’t have cable and haven’t had for about eight or nine years now. I have a digital antenna, but I’m too lazy to hook it up, so I don’t even get network television, which means I missed all of the Olympics. I don’t even know who won. Anyway, I haven’t watched American television in…

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Winter Storm Titan Haikus

Friday You dump so much rain We think the worst is over But you have much more Saturday Furious torrents Flood the southland, topple trees, Knock down power lines Sunday Quietly, you leave Sorry about the huge storm, rest of the country Written for the weekly writing challenge: threes. All images from wunderground.com

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You Were A Mistake

You can’t choose your family. You are born into the family that you’re born into. They can’t choose you either, though. Your mother decided to carry you inside her for a few months and give birth to you, but she didn’t know who you were when she made that choice. You could be like her…

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My Affordable Care Act

I’m not sure if you heard, but they passed a thing in the United States that’s supposed to provide all citizens with the opportunity to get health care. Sounds like a great deal, right? Who doesn’t want health insurance? No one! Well, let’s see how this works, shall we? Even though I was a proponent…

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FOG’s 3rd Annual Extravaganza Giveawayery

I’m a winner! I won Evil Squirrel’s First Annual Contest of Whatever, not through merit or anything, but through chance. I was chosen at random as a winner. It still counts, dammit. Winning is winning. As my prize, I chose this awesome Rainbow Donkey reusable shopping bag, since as I complained about the other day,…

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Second-Hand Tsukumogami

A Tsukumogami is a kind of Yokai, which is a Japanese phantasm, ghost or otherwise supernatural apparition. Yokai can get pretty strange and scary, and there are countless different varieties. Among the most benign Yokai are the Tsukumogami. They are inanimate objects that come to life on their 100th birthdays. They weren’t always so harmless, though.…

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Genuine Distress

I live in the United States, a country where improvised explosive devices don’t explode all that often, where most people get up every day, go to work, come home and go to sleep all without being shot at. It’s so easy to forget that there is turmoil elsewhere when the worst danger you face on…

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Open Letters To The World

Dear BMW drivers, I drive a BMW, too. Stop acting like entitled asshats. Have you heard a rapper rapping about a BMW lately? No, because BMWs are no longer luxury cars. They’re just cars. Driving a BMW doesn’t entitle you to anything. Your asshattish BMW driving makes me seem like an asshat, too. I’m not…

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Depression Is Exhausting

And not very logical. I spend the vast majority of my time bemoaning the state of my stagnant life, yet I’m unable to do a thing about it. “If you hate our life so much, Eeyore, let’s do something about it. We’ll get a new job or go back to school or move to Mars.…

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21 Of The Best Cover Songs

Revis posted about covers that are better than the original, which made me want to do my own list. To me, a great cover is one that takes the original song and bends it into a new form, while still honoring the original song. Here is my list of great cover songs that meet that…

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Hug Her Back

This is a fictional account of real events. Originally, I tried to write this post from my perspective, but it was too difficult. Warning: this post is about child sexual abuse written for the weekly writing challenge on silence. He says it’s alright, that it’s their secret. Don’t tell anyone, but it doesn’t feel alright.…

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Life With Antidepressants

I’ve been taking antidepressants for a few years now. I have Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Anxiety Disorder (AD), Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I spent the vast majority of my life suffering with undiagnosed mental illness. I never sought help and my family never sought help for me. When I was…

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Outgrowing Hipster

There was a time when I had to find the new and hidden. As much as I hate to say it, I was pretty much the very definition of hipster in the sense that I sought out things to like before other people liked them. I’ve never cared about being “in,” but I was obsessed…

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