Dear Goldfish is an (almost) weekly series where I answer questions asked by the internet. These are actual search words and phrases than show up in the Search Engine Terms of my WordPress stats. People typed these phrases into a search engine and somehow found their way to this blog with them. They appear exactly as they were typed and have not been edited or censored in any way other than the addition of a question mark on the end in some cases.
I dutifully answer questions like how to be reasonable and who invented the desk-sized stapler.
Highlights: a map of Africa with only baby animals, a yokai parade and Ray Bradbury.
Topics include fish tombstones, pirate ships, mice, career advice and toilet rolls.
Discussing the First Amendment, yokai, missing shoes, honor, Carl Sagan and stickers!
I attempt to answer questions about space traveling, evil demons, dainzy twitters and quadruple amputees.
Trains, drunk people, Finns, world records, glee and more terrible career advice.
Sarcastic metaphors, things to hate, tornadoes, dog feet, knock knock jokes, Batman.
Robots, love, evil, gold toys, money trees, Vinnie Jones, Chinese finger traps, Hello Kitty Band-Aids.
Hitler, pumas, crystal balls, family portraits, Thomas Paine, crackwhoreism.
Diamonds, Smokey and the Bandit, Olde English 800, toy soldiers.
Dessert, Bigfoot, shoes, Smurfs, sandwiches.
Topics include pocket watches, Hitler, Stalin, power animals and Bugattis (again).
Bughats, fonts, evil cakes, bunnies, bacon and firearms.
Smurf photography, death, movies, riddles, the Milky Way galaxy.
Plato, Schoolhouse Rock, happiness pills, nautical miles, Optimus Prime.
Shenanigans, robotic eyeballs, lawns and chores.
Distances between continents, sushi, squibs, man-eating vaginas and cat trees.
German Shepherd puppies, evil faces, geography, fucking Mars robots.
Equal rights, the 4th Amendment, Japanese authors, Honey Badgers, left-handed scissors.
Spacebattles, circle graphs, logical fallacy, underwater dogs, mages, sushi and mega creepy clowns.
Lincoln, Mark Ryden, Kandinsky, Beethoven, Santa, baby Jesus.
Valentine’s Day, the continents, art, tape dispensers and the perfect guy.
Monster goldfish, bicycles, punk boys, curses, superstitions.
Clowns, Bèrenger of the Long Arse, touching oneself inappropriately, entropy, Bigfoot.