Dear Goldfish

Dear Goldfish is an (almost) weekly series where I answer questions asked by the internet. These are actual search words and phrases than show up in the Search Engine Terms of my WordPress stats. People typed these phrases into a search engine and somehow found their way to this blog with them. They appear exactly as they were typed and have not been edited or censored in any way other than the addition of a question mark on the end in some cases.

Part 1

I dutifully answer questions like how to be reasonable and who invented the desk-sized stapler.

• Language of the week: Greek.

Part 2

Highlights: a map of Africa with only baby animals, a yokai parade and Ray Bradbury.

• Language of the week: Arabic.

Part 3

Topics include fish tombstones, pirate ships, mice, career advice and toilet rolls.

• Language of the week: Russian.

Part 4

Discussing the First Amendment, yokai, missing shoes, honor, Carl Sagan and stickers!

• Language of the week:  Jesus |ˈjēˈsəs|, verb ( Jes•uss•ing ; past Jes•uss•ed )

Part 5

I attempt to answer questions about space traveling, evil demons, dainzy twitters and quadruple amputees.

• Language of the week: Armenian

Part 6

Trains, drunk people, Finns, world records, glee and more terrible career advice.

• Language of the week: “pahk the cah in Hahvad Yahd.”

Part 7

Sarcastic metaphors, things to hate, tornadoes, dog feet, knock knock jokes, Batman.

• Language of the week: The Letter G.

Part 8

Robots, love, evil, gold toys, money trees, Vinnie Jones, Chinese finger traps, Hello Kitty Band-Aids.

• Language of the week: Filipino.

Part 9

Hitler, pumas, crystal balls, family portraits, Thomas Paine, crackwhoreism.

• Language of the week: Turkish.

Part 10

Diamonds, Smokey and the Bandit, Olde English 800, toy soldiers.

• Language of the week: Russian

Part 11

Dessert, Bigfoot, shoes, Smurfs, sandwiches.

• Language of the week: Russian (again)

Part 12

Topics include pocket watches, Hitler, Stalin, power animals and Bugattis (again).

• Language of the week: Arabic.

Part 13

Bughats, fonts, evil cakes, bunnies, bacon and firearms.

• Language of the week: Thai.

Part 14

Smurf photography, death, movies, riddles, the Milky Way galaxy.

• Language of the week: Italian.

Part 15

Plato, Schoolhouse Rock, happiness pills, nautical miles, Optimus Prime.

• Language of the week: Hebrew.

Part 16

Shenanigans, robotic eyeballs, lawns and chores.

• Language of the week: Russian.

Part 17

Distances between continents, sushi, squibs, man-eating vaginas and cat trees.

• Language of the week: Spanish.

Part 18

German Shepherd puppies, evil faces, geography, fucking Mars robots.

• Language of the week: Indonesian.

Part 19

Equal rights, the 4th Amendment, Japanese authors, Honey Badgers, left-handed scissors.

• Language of the week: English.

Part 20

Spacebattles, circle graphs, logical fallacy, underwater dogs, mages, sushi and mega creepy clowns.

• Language of the week: Turkish.

Part 21

Lincoln, Mark Ryden, Kandinsky, Beethoven, Santa, baby Jesus.

• Language of the week: Japanese.

Part 22

Valentine’s Day, the continents, art, tape dispensers and the perfect guy.

• Language of the week: Russian.

Part 23

Monster goldfish, bicycles, punk boys, curses, superstitions.

• Language of the week: Lithuanian.

Part 24

Clowns, Bèrenger of the Long Arse, touching oneself inappropriately, entropy, Bigfoot.

• Language of the week: Russian.