Awkward Moments With Goldfish

I’m generally a pretty awkward person. Most of the time, I can pass myself off as somewhat normal, but there are times when even I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. These are examples of those times.

1. My dog has a puppy doppelgänger. He’s about nine or ten months old now, and nearly full-grown. From a distance, neither the puppy’s owner nor I can tell them apart. Not only do they look alike, but even their personalities are similar, i.e. they’re both huge dorks. They absolutely love each other. Whenever we’re there at the same time, those two are playing. This is a picture of the two of them lolling under the picnic table when the puppy was considerably younger and we could still tell them apart.

My dog on the left.

My dog on the left.

I try not to be biased against certain dog breeds, but there are some breeds that I just don’t like, e.g. miniature schnauzers, tiny terrier mixes, beagles, chihuahuas, all toy dog breeds and pretty much any adult dog under twenty pounds. Now, that’s not to say that I automatically dislike the individual dogs that make up those breeds, but I am biased against them. Dogs of certain breeds have to work harder for me to like them as opposed to, say, a German shepherd, because German shepherds are naturally awesome.

At the dog park yesterday, I was watching puppy doppelgänger play with another dog besides mine. This dog was a beagle. I am not fond of beagles because they’re loud. They’re designed to be loud so that when they find the quarry, they can alert their owner to where it is from a long way away. There’s a purpose in their loudness, but I don’t really care. I still don’t like them.

List of dog breeds

STOP HOWLING! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I was watching puppy Doppelganger play with beagle, I said, “Your dog is adorable.” speaking about puppy doppelgänger to his owner, because puppy doppelgänger is entirely adorable. However, beagle owner said, “Thanks! I know!” and then started in on an hour-long, one-sided conversation about her dog and its beagleness, who according to beagle tradition, wouldn’t shut the hell up and howled at great volume the whole time. And I had to sit there and listen because I’m awkward.

Then the little bastard jumped on the picnic table right in front of me and I had to pet him because I inadvertently said he was adorable. Even if he was physically adorable, which he wasn’t, his shrill baying loudness would have made him entirely not adorable. I could have simply said, “I meant the puppy,” and been done with it, but I waited just a hair too long. It could have been avoided altogether had I used the puppy’s name. Lesson learned.

2. I mentioned the other day that I don’t know half of my coworkers names. This isn’t generally an issue until someone tells me to go see Susan or Oscar to find out about whatnot. Panic. I can’t very well say, “Who is Susan?” since I’ve worked here two and a half whole years already, and that knowledge should be something I have. Instead, I’ll ask, “OK, where do they sit?” hoping to glean more information. Usually the coworker who told me to go see Susan looks at me askance since I pass Susan every single day. Awkward.

3. Awkward conversations I have at least once a day:

“Good morning. How are you?”
“Not much. You?”


“Good morning. What’s up?”
“Fine. And you?”

Really, why can’t we have just one standard greeting? That’s damn awkward.

4. Because I have memory problems, I can’t remember who I told what. Sometimes, I am positive that I told someone something really important, when I didn’t. Most of the time though, I end up repeating myself a lot. I’ll get into storytelling mode and start to tell a friend the hilarious thing that happened to me the other day with hand gestures, voice imitations and props, and then they’ll say, “Yeah, you told me already,” and my entire balloon deflates.

5. I do a lot of weird stuff, especially when I’m tired, which is practically all the time since I’m an insomniac. I dance around. I sing badly even though I have the worst singing voice in all of history. I make weird noises and say nonsensical words. Most of the time, the only people who see this side of me are family and close friends. But every once in a while, I’ll catch myself in the aisle of the supermarket with a shopping basket on my head, balancing a can of tuna on my elbow, while hopping around on one leg and singing The Sound Of Music. Or worse, I’ll only notice that I’m doing that because of the weird look the lady at the end of the aisle is giving me. I clear my throat, put the tuna back on the shelf and stiffly walk away like an English butler as if she was the one with the problem.

More awkwardness

There are 49 comments

  1. Mental Mama

    Yes, one standard greeting is a phenomenal idea – I do that shit all the time and then feel like an idiot. I don’t often break into spontaneous dance at the grocery store, but I’ve been known to do it at work. My coworkers are mostly the sort to just join in.


    1. ardenrr

      Ditto for the greeting as well! I don’t break into dance at the grocery store which is odd since I’m a dancer but I do talk to myself which causes people to think I’m slightly on the cray side. I can’t help it. I do it at work. I do it at home. It’s how I work through things. I blame it on the fact that I was pretty much an only child growing up.


  2. Katie

    As the owner of a German Shephard, and as an out and proud large breed lover, I approve this message.

    I do so many weird things I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I’m lucky that the people in my life have learned to embrace it.


    1. goldfish

      Yes! I actually adopted my dog because she was erroneously labeled as a shepherd. She has a little shepherd in her, but I wouldn’t call her a shepherd. I totally want one.

      The people in my life have embraced my weirdness, too. They hardly ever get embarrassed by me. Most of the time, they just laugh.


  3. scorpionglow

    Your dog is beautiful. I don’t say that about dogs much, so please take that as the compliment it truly is.
    Also, I’m not a fan of mini dogs either. They yap at me incessantly and one day it was at the vet’s office. I turned around to the dogs in question and said “Look, there’s only room for one Alpha Bitch in this room, and it’s me, so shut the fuck up.” They actually shut up, and then proceeded to stare at me the entire time. Their owner laughed. I know she thought I was kidding, but I had a sick little baby with me and that was all I cared about at the time.


    1. goldfish

      Thanks! I think so, but I know I’m biased.

      I hate to generalize, but some of the smaller breeds are just nasty little creatures. My friend has a rat terrier/chihuahua mix that bit my dog on the face. Evil little thing.


      1. scorpionglow

        We all are when they’re ours.

        I’ve noticed they tend to be extremely spoiled and their behavior ignored too, no matter how poorly they’re behaving. People treat them like they’re so precious, but it’s been a LONG time since I’ve met a truly precious dog. And naturally, I live in a neighborhood that is FULL of dogs. I know they’re supposed to bark at me, but when I’m walking into MY house, I think they need to shut the hell up.


        1. goldfish

          Little dogs tend to act out a lot more because they can get away with it. The dog I was talking about has bitten strangers and nothing was done since he’s about 8 pounds. It’s not right.


          1. scorpionglow

            I’d NEVER let any animal of mine behave that way and get away with it. That’s unacceptable to me. As a general rule, I don’t let animals act out in my presence. None of my animals have ever harmed another person or another animal, except occasionally getting bitchy with each other, which is normal as they get older.


  4. evilsquirrel13

    You are so right about the small breeds…. they were put on this earth by Satan himself. The dachshund that my parents have had for 16 years now is honestly the most vicious little beast I have ever known. Give me a big ol’ happy dog any day over a little ankle biting mongrel…


    1. goldfish

      I really don’t want to give the impression that small dogs are evil, but small dogs are evil. Or at least, some of them are, and by some, I mean all.

      I’m going to shut up now.


  5. AR Neal

    M’kay, so your dog is FABULOUS!!!! I too am in the camp of “no ankle biters.” I need a dog that I can rough-house with a bit. One who has a decent amount of dogness to him/her. Like in the realm of at minimum 50 pounds worth ;)


  6. C.K. Hope

    I love big dogs, mine is a shepherd- english lab mix. I’ve always wanted an english mastiff but my house is not big enough ;) I think you’re awesome Goldfish and your dog is beautiful!


  7. rarasaur

    I do all the awkward greetings you mentioned, and all the ones your readers mentioned. Yay me! Or not.

    Though I do think feigning an English butler is the best way to get out of any awkward situation…


  8. Doggy's Style

    I sing the greatest arias of all times when I’m at the park walking Doggy, I feel like the best soprano ever until someones comes closer, then the embarrassment it too big for me to deal with.


    1. goldfish

      My family had two min schnauzers when I was growing up and they were horrible little beasts. I did make a point of saying that I don’t automatically hate the individual dogs, but I am really not fond of that breed. :)


  9. impostorpawn

    ha ha this stuff made my day there’s some really awkward stuff on there….i’m pretty normal the only awkward thing i can remember happening to me and i’m not even sure its awkward was when i was walking on the busy streets of Nairobi and was fixated on this guy’s gait(needless to say he was gorgeous) but that was not why i kept looking, it was because he was rhythmically moving to the beat of the song i was hearing on my earphones in my phone’s music library….so i say hi to him and when he chucks his earphones to say hi(he was one of those nice guys who say hi to crazy strangers) i hear the song playing in my ears playing in his ipod…..that was awkward
    for me at least


Your words go here.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s