Guest Post: A Footlong is not a measurement of length
[Editor's note: As the winner of the Mad Lib Contest, please welcome guest poster, Twindaddy from Stuph Blog, who has some pertinent things to say about feet.]
[Author's note: Perhaps Goldy should check with the author next time before hitting the Publish button. The author was not finished with his post and, let's face it, premature publication is not enjoyable for anyone. And completely embarrassing to the author.]
So who here has ever eaten at Subway? Everyone? Good. Now who here has ever ordered a Footlong™ sub from Subway? Well, almost everyone. You in the back? Oh, you don’t even speak English. No wonder you didn’t raise your hand. Get outta here.
So I’m guessing most of you have heard by now that Footlong™ sandwiches at Subway aren’t actually a foot long. ”What?!?!” you surely just yelled as you spat out a mouth full of coffee all over your laptop, iPad, or LCD monitor. ”Footlong means foot long, right? 12 inches! That’s a foot! What the fuck?” you’re most certainly rambling through your clenched, coffee-covered jaw.
All of this just came to light recently. Per this article in the Huffington Post, a teenager in Australia bought an alleged footlong sandwich only to find out it was 11 inches long. The dude measured it with a tape measure he happened to have with him. Why he had a tape measure in Subway has yet to be ascertained.
Photographic evidence that the sandwich in question was indeed only 11 inches long.
Let’s travel over to dictionary.com and see what they say the word footlong actually means. Well, well. They say, and I quote, “something that is approximately one foot in length.” Notice the word approximately in the definition. It doesn’t say that it means that something is exactly a foot long, but is approximately one foot long. So now whether you’re getting hosed or not by Subway is a matter of opinion. Is 11 inches approximately one foot long? It’s all subjective now. Oh how I love gray areas. Why can’t everything be black and white, dammit!!
Adding fuel to the publicity conflagration was Subway’s idiotic response to the backlash of their non-footlong footlongs. In a released statement they had this to say:
With regards to the size of the bread and calling it a footlong, ‘SUBWAY FOOTLONG’ is a registered trademark as a descriptive name for the sub sold in Subway® Restaurants and not intended to be a measurement of length. The length of the bread baked in the restaurant cannot be assured each time as the proofing process may vary slightly each time in the restaurant.
A registered trademark of a descriptive name? The descriptive name, by definition, means footlong. Foot. Long. As in 12 inches. Do they really expect the general public to accept this asinine explanation? I mean, really. The general public is pretty stupid, but I seriously doubt they’re that stupid. The last part of their statement is true, at least. It’d be extremely tough to get each loaf of bread to exactly 12 inches. But it shouldn’t be more than a quarter-inch off, in my humble estimation.
Per the linked article, the New York Times bought 7 Subway Footlong sandwiches as a test and 4 of the 7 were 11 1/2 inches or shorter. Talk about getting hosed. The problem with this is it’s not only the footlongs that you’re getting shortchanged on. If the entire loaf of bread is only 11 inches and you order a 6-inch sub, you’re really only getting a 5 1/2-inch sub once they cut that 11-inch loaf of bread in half. Surely Subway doesn’t have PR people dumb enough to say that a 6-inch sub is only a description and not meant to be a measurement of length, because that would be almost as dumb as saying a footlong isn’t a measurement of length. Oh, wait…
In desperate search of logical answers, I sought out a representative for Subway. Most of them are famous athletes, so I had to settle for Jared Fogle. Yeah, that annoying douche who holds up a denim comforter in every commercial claiming that it used to be a pair of his pants from when he was a fat ass.
Jared Fogle. Subway spokesman extraordinaire. And total loser.
I convinced Jared to sit down for an interview with me. In this hard-hitting interview, I asked the tough questions that most Subway executives won’t honestly answer.
TD: Jared, thank you for agreeing to this interview. It really means a lot to me.
Jared: Like I had a choice. You threatened to stun me repeatedly with your blaster if I didn’t.
TD: Shut the fuck up! You want me to get hostile I’ll get hostile! Quit whining and start answering questions, bitch.
Jared: Uh…okay.
TD: What do you know of the cover-up in the Great Subway Footlong scandal?
Jared: Scandal? I just go on TV and tell people that Subway is healthy alternative to fast-food restaurants and you can lose weight like me with smart dietary choices and daily exercise.
TD: Yeah, great. When were you made aware of the 11-inch sub phenomenon?
Jared: I saw it on the news like everybody else.
TD: And do you have an explanation for your fan?
Jared: Don’t you mean fans?
TD: No.
Jared: Oh. Well… As the statement Subway released says…
TD: That statement is total bullshit and we all know it.
Jared: Look, they just pay me to talk. I’m a spokesman. I don’t know anything else.
TD: Riiiiiight. We’ll move on then. You’ll be sorry when I can properly interrogate your ass later.
Jared: *gulps*
TD: So, you lost 245lbs on the so-called “Subway Diet,” correct?
Jared: That’s right.
TD: How much of that do you attribute to getting 5 1/2-inch subs rather than the full 6-inch subs?
Jared: Ummm….
TD: I thought as much. Is that how the diet works? They trick you into thinking you’re eating more than you actually are? Does that somehow make your stomach feel full even though you’re not eating as much as you think you’re eating? A psychological decoy?
Jared: I have to pee.
TD: Silence!
Jared: …….
TD: Good. That’ll be all for now, but know this: I shall find your secrets. No matter how painful it is for you.
So as you can plainly see, the smaller sandwiches were all part of the marketing ploy for the “Subway Diet,” which if you ask me is a total con. I implore you all to henceforth take your rulers with you to Subway when you dine in those “fine” establishments. If you don’t get an actual footlong or 6-inch sub, take justice into your own hands. Or, if you prefer, call Miraculous Man. He’s certainly not opposed to dispensing justice when no one else will do so.
53 Responses to “Guest Post: A Footlong is not a measurement of length”
We live in an age of such uncertainty.
I know! Is it a footlong or an 11-inch-long? You just don’t know what you’re paying for.
WTF? I want my 5 bucks back!
You should ask for your subscription fee for this site back, too. The full post is now up, not the unfinished one Goldy posted.
Wait, it’s 5 bucks in America? I think it’s more expensive here. And as for the non-foot-long-foot-long…
WE’VE ALL BEEN CONNED.
Well, only certain ones are 5 bucks, but, yes, we’ve been bamboozled and stuph. I feel so used.
I call BS. Boo subway.
Reread this please. Goldy prematurely published me. How embarrassing.
Oops. Sorry, dear. I didn’t know you weren’t done.
Jeez. That’s the blogging equivalent of “is it in yet?”
Well, is it? :P
Really though, sorry about that. I did think it was a little short.
Of course it’s in! And there’s no need to tell me it’s short. It may look like a fish but it fucks like a whale.
Re read. I still call BS and now I have to pee fom laughing so hard. Getting tape measure out for future trips to Subway.
Woohoo!!
Um, I wasn’t done with this….
Reblogged this on Stuphblog and commented:
And so I have returned the favor and guest posted on Fish of Gold. My first guest post on another blog!! Yay me! Go read it, fuckers!!
Oh Daddy, you do make me laugh….love the denim comforter line….classic!!
Thanks!
Thank you, Susan!
Keep up the good work, my friend!
I shall endeavor to try. Um, or something.
It just seems to pour out of you!
Oh, sorry.
It’s okay….still mopping it up, but it’s worth it.
What is this mop you speak of?
It’s hairy, like a Wookie….really absorbent.
Hmm…i just use a Swiffer that spreads everything out evenly on the floor.
LOL….try the Wookie…..so much better.
Perhaps I’ll just get a cleaning droid instead.
Much better idea. The Wookie sheds a bit.
Well then that’s no help at all.
If you have an extra droid….feel free to send it North of the border.
Um, no. I’m still suing you, remember? You owe ME something.
Crap!!
Well, let me tell you I’ve been googling screen pics of the menus on Subway, cuz I remember that they have a 6inch option on the menu but was unsure if they advertised the 12 inches (yes I’m that OCD), so I decided to google and get it off my head. I read the article and they say “Not Intended To Be A Measurement Of Length”, however, they DO advertise as so, I found a UK menu and it literally says Footlong (30cm, 12inch a foot, 1 inch 2.5cm, 2.5×12=30). So, in your face Subway!
That being said, what the hell was the kid doing with a measuring tape? And, Subway was meant to be a healthy alternative, I doubt there’s anything healthy on an approximately 12inch sandwich.
And moreover why on earth did I trouble myself with a research about this?
Good post Twindaddy, it kept me busy and entertained and that’s what a defines a perfect post.
Damn it! I was forgetting Exhibit A your honor.
http://www.allabouthorley.co.uk/Subway%20Menu.jpg
Wow! copied and paste my comment(I told you I was OCD) but I re-read the post before posting the comment just in case I was losing the essence of the post.
Nice one Tiwndaddy.
Wow. Hahaha. I’m not even sure what to say to any of that.
I loved TD’s post, but I liked this comment a lot too. Haha! You guys are all so enviably awesome!
Woohoo!!
TD, why did you have to go and talk about footlongs? Subway is just doing what guys have been doing ever since there was measuring tape. Now, that you have opened this can of worms, women are going to start carrying measuring tape like that Aussie dickhead. Thanks for turning my 8 inches of yellow thunder into 4 15/16 inches of chow mein noodle.
Its all how you use it. Also, they make extenders for that. ;)
Gasp! I feel so hurt. So betrayed. Damn you Subway! Can we trust nothing now?
Pack your tape measure.
Fan….hahahahahahaha! There are actually 2 guys in NJ who already filed a lawsuit over this insanity, just to make it more insane.
Ps. The Denim conforter also had me laugh out loud.
Glad you liked it!
I’ll go with footlong as a descriptive. In cooking, nothing is exact ever.
You just like arguing with me.
That’s true. But I also cook (or used to I am way too lazy now). Nothing is ever exact in good cooking.
[...] this week, I published my very first ever guest post over on Fish of Gold. Shameless plug: Get over there and check it out if you haven’t [...]
I loved it, still wiping my tears from laughter. Wish I had some witty comment to add :)
Thanks!
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