G*dd*mn M*th*rf*ck*ng Forg*ven*ss
Forgiveness. Fucking sigh. It’s probably the hardest thing in the world to do. Sure, it’s easy to forgive someone for stepping on your toe, but I’m talking about the kind of offenses that will change your entire life, or at least, your outlook. Although, some people would probably consider toe-stepping to be a serious infraction, especially if one is wearing fancy footwear.
I heard a story about an older lady named Sadie. She was sexually abused by both her uncle and her brother. She promised herself when she was only ten years old that she would never allow herself to get so angry that she’d want to kill someone. Sadie said, “I can’t hold a grudge in my heart. I would like to, but I can’t. What good would it do me to hold a grudge? He’s dead and gone. Both of them are. I can’t live my life that way. I can’t let him still define my life after he’s dead and gone.”
My first thought was that it was easy for her to forgive since both her brother and her uncle are dead. I quickly realized just how insane that thought was. As if it’s ever easy to forgive something like that. The next slightly more appropriate thoughts I had were, “You’re lucky you have that kind of strength.” and “I wish I could do that.”
There are two monsters in this world that I can’t forgive. Honestly, even if both of them were dead, I’m not sure I could forgive them, although, like I said, it might be a little easier. If they were gone, I wouldn’t be tormented constantly by the thought that they’re still out there possibly doing the same things to someone else and I am powerless to stop it again. Those monsters have the kind of freedom that I will never have. It seems like it would be easier to forgive and forget if they weren’t still a threat. If they weren’t still out there, occasionally trying to seek my forgiveness, I think it might be easier.
That story was not the first I’ve heard of abused people who have forgiven their abusers, but there was something about Sadie that struck home. Her words came right up and smacked me across the face. “Well, why can’t you forgive?” I thought to myself. “Carrying around a box of hate isn’t good for anyone.” And then I thought about just who it was that I would be bestowing forgiveness upon and for what, and I wanted to murder. Just thinking about giving forgiveness makes me angry.
I probably need to forgive. I need to stop being so angry. I need the bile to stop coming up and the fingers to stop shaking, but I honestly don’t have the first clue how to do that. I have forgiven myself for the most part. I know it’s not my fault. At least, rationally I know. Yet, there’s still some small part of me, the abused little girl part of me buried deep inside, that thinks it’s her fault. No matter how much I try to convince her it’s not, she doesn’t understand. She says, “I must have done something to deserve it, otherwise it just doesn’t make any sense. How could a world exist where monsters prey for no reason?” I tell her that nothing makes sense in this world. Monsters exist and they prey on whomever they want, but somehow that just makes her sadder. She doesn’t want to live in a world where nothing makes sense. She wants to have a reason and there is none.
The text says, “The sleep of reason produces monsters.” Francisco Goya, 1799.
Strangely, she’s the one who would be able to forgive, not me. I am full of rage and bile. She is full of doubt and guilt. She is the one who has to forgive and I have to allow her to, but the urge to protect her is so strong. In order to forgive, she has to face it and I don’t want her to, so I don’t let her. I want to spare her from going through that again. Instead, I walk around angry at the world, which is only furthering the damage the monsters did. I am the person the monsters turned me into and that just makes me angrier.
I am only one possible future of that little girl. There are others in there, too. Within me, live all the different versions of myself and I protect them all with a blade instead of a mother’s love. Unlike Sadie, my ten year old self made no such promises regarding not getting angry and not perpetrating violence. I think if I were put in a room with those monsters and a gun with at least two rounds, there would be two fewer monsters in the world. But the little girl stops me. She says it wouldn’t change anything. We still can’t come to an agreement on things.
I am strong on the outside, but that little girl is much stronger than I am. We both know it. She knows more than I do. She sees more because she’s not blinded by rage. She sees fear, but she also sees potential. She has the potential for forgiveness. I do not.
So, how do we forgive? How do we look monsters in the eye and forgive them? I honestly have no idea. I’d still like to see those monsters dead, not by my hand, but dead just the same. I think I would sleep easier. If they were dead, preferably in a horrible torturous way, I might start to be able to forgive.
52 Responses to “G*dd*mn M*th*rf*ck*ng Forg*ven*ss”
Fist of all, I’m sorry for whatever atrocity you suffered.
I’d just like to say that forgiveness isn’t necessarily something you have to do. Moving on probably is. Accepting that what happened happened and not letting it rule you is key.
Forgive and forget? No. I don’t I forget, but I never forgive. I don’t dwell on the past because looking in the rearview prevents you from seeing what’s in front of you.
I wish you look on your journey.
Thanks, Twin. I think it’s nearly impossible to move on without forgiveness. The anger keeps me here.
Not necessarily. There are a lot of things I will never forgive my ex-wife for, but I’ve simply let go of those things. I don’t think about them. I don’t let those things have any sort of hold on me.
In essence, I have forgotten them. But I will never forgive her. Ever.
Good for you. I can’t quite seem to get there.
Well, some things are easier to leave behind than others. I’m not saying it’s as easy as I made it sound, but it is possible.
I hope you get there, though. Being angry all the time makes life harder than it needs to be.
That’s good to know. I write posts like this in the hopes that I can get there someday. Every time I talk about it, I’m a little closer to moving on (maybe).
Talking about it does help. Especially in support groups. Being surrounded by people who have experienced the same thing you have is extremely helpful. It helps you realize that you’re not alone and that there are people who know exactly what you’re going through.
I’ve never done the support group thing. I’ve been in private therapy (or as I call it, The Rapey) and I have a blog. ;)
I did it when I was a teenager and it was very helpful for me. I don’t know that it would work for you because everyone is different, but it’s worth a shot.
I was nodding my head in agreement the entire time reading this. I can’t forgive either. Excellent post, Goldfish. {hug}
I’m sorry that you can relate.
I’m sorry you had to write such a painful post.
Writing posts like this is therapy in and of itself. Just the fact that I can talk about it is a good thing.
I agree. It helps me as well.
Oh my lovely, this post moved me to tears. Cyber cuddle coming your way. CerI
Sorry to make you teary, deary.
Forgiveness is the hardest thing in the world. It really is. I have been on a forgiveness journey for the last fifteen years, trying to forgive my father and his wife for what they did to my family, and to me; I’m still at the point where I have to actively decide to forgive them on a near-daily basis. I disagree with what twindaddy said, though. I think forgiveness is vital, but forgetting? No way. Even if I ever do reach a point where I can offer those who harmed me true forgiveness, I will never, ever forget what they did to me and mine. If I forget, it’s like I’m saying it’s ok, what they did. And it most definitely is not ok.
All of that aside…I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m glad you talk about it in therapy and through your blog. I always feel a little richer for having read your words. And I am sending hugs to that little girl who still just doesn’t understand. Peace to you, Fish of Gold. xoxo
There’s just no way to forget things like that. They’re stuck with you. Thanks for the kind words, Angela. I’m sorry you understand what I’m going through.
Even if mine suddenly stopped being such an ass, given the opportunity to feed him to the sharks with no consequences, he would be shark bait. I think you’ve done well to have stopped blaming yourself.
Not blaming yourself is the hard part. It sucks knowing that if murder were offered consequence-free, we’d probably take up the offer. That’s just not right.
No it’s not. No one should be hurt so bad that they understand the anger that leads to murder. No one should have to feel that in their bones. It’s an ache that makes arthritis sound like heaven.
Oh, that forgiveness is a tough one. I grapple with it, I think most people do. For what it’s worth, here are a couple of things that have helped me: I realized that the anger that I felt for my monsters (just two of them) hurt me far more than it hurt them, and it kept hurting my physically and in my soul. Then I realized that I would call it forgiveness, rather that I would learn to let go of the anger when it cropped up. It took a lot of practice, but I find that I can breath easier now. When my mind goes to that place of remembering, I make myself stop, and think of something happy, sometimes it’s just some dipshit line from a movie or joke that made me laugh and I concentrate on how it feels to laugh. Cat videos or puppy dogs on the internet. Seek them out when pain and anger claws at you. It will help.
Wishing you love and acceptance and healing in the New Year. You deserve it.
I’m well aware of the “hate only hurts the one who hates” theory. It is true. Hating them doesn’t make a lick of difference to them. Still, I can’t seem to shake it. Hate is better than fear.
That’s supposed to say – I *wouldn’t* call it forgiveness.
Thank you for bearing your honesty and forethought on such difficult subject matter. An atrocity of such magnitude requires a great deal of fortitude to be open and divulge your true feelings like you did. Bravo!
I can’t forgive. To forgive means to cease to feel resentment towards another for an offense. The resentment is a part of me. My job is to make it just a tiny little speck of who I am. There is so much more to your life than that terrifying painful part. But then again, it would be difficult for me to forgive something when the offender doesn’t ask for forgiveness.
I am working toward accepting that just because you forgive, just because you let go of the resentment, that does not mean that what the offender did was acceptable or that all responsibility for the offense if pardoned.
It’s amazing that you have turned out so well in spite of such a torturous past. (((HUGS)))
~N
I thought of you when I posted this. I wondered what your take would be.
My offenders have asked for forgiveness and I don’t think it’s any better. I don’t think they really wanted it; they just wanted to assuage what little guilt they had.
It’s amazing we’ve all turned out so well. :)
That’s incredible! Your words are truly inspiring. When I read your posts, sometimes it sparks a memory of a topic I want to write about. Thank you so much for giving that to me!
You’re right! The odds were in our favor of being locked in an asylum for eternity, but we survived… We MORE than survived; We also thrived! ;-)
It’s such a huge struggle. What I try to tell myself is they must have been through awful things to become the monsters they are. In fact I know my father has at very least. Everyone has a story. I’m not by any means justifying their actions, or saying that I have fully forgiven but that is how I try to forgive. I also try to tell myself that it’s not letting them off the hook, forgiveness is a gift to myself. That also doesn’t mean that I don’t wish a few people were no longer alive, including my father either. It would just be easier for me, like you were saying.
((Hugs)) back!
I’m familiar with one of my monster’s stories. Mother died in childbirth, sister blew her brains out… He was a victim like me, but I didn’t turn into a sociopathic wife-beater. So, while it is true that he had terrible things happen, it doesn’t in any way make me feel an ounce of sorrow for him. He tried to kill me. He nearly succeeded. I cannot forgive that.
I agree, you own him no sorrow. We do have choices in life that’s for sure. I’m so sorry he tried to kill you, that alone makes me want to go after him. xo
I was angry when I read that they call and ask you for forgiveness. Maybe it is because I am making assumptions, but when someone asks for forgiveness but doesn’t seem to have genuinely repented and made a very conscientious effort to change and has made at least progress, it seems more like “Hey, will you forgive me so that I can feel better about myself and keep committing/rubbing in my atrocious acts”, and it’s gah, a manipulative and horrible thing to do. They should call and apologize, maybe, I think, and then you might say, if you were feeling so generous, “I understand that you feel terrible, but this is still really hard for me, and I still need time away from you, these boundaries I have set in place, etc. Thanks for your apology, but it’s not that easy.”
I have never forgiven or forgotten the others or the things they did that hurt. I have come to understand and accept why they did/thought/felt what they did, but it took many years of therapy, minimal to no contact, and all of us working very hard to be better people. Key word on the all of us. Then it meant being in a healthier place and accepting the good people I found, and not letting anything I’d learned from painful experiences infect my relationships with them (which I still work on everyday, and there are stumbles and such). If it had been just me doing all of the work, I would never have accepted the other people back into my life. But: I was fortunate. I had that luxury. So many people, in much worse situations, will never have that possibility no matter how hard they try, and I was lucky in the misunderstanding, miscommunication, didn’t actually mean to, didn’t realize what they were doing, department. Before I even resumed contact with them I had to accept that what happened had happened and that I couldn’t change it. I had to accept how I felt, and decide that I didn’t want to feel that way forever, and that not feeling that way didn’t mean I was telling old self to shut up or that I was ignoring them or fundamentally changing who I was or granting people permission to treat me like crap. I had to decide when I was going to feel vulnerable and when I was going to fight tooth and nail for my own right to protect myself, and accept that the world is full of mean people and yes, bad things might happen again. It meant that I’d made a conscious choice to move on and be the best person I could be in the here and now, and to forgive myself–for being young and small, or not knowledgeable enough, or not fighting back, or screaming, or the fact that if I had those things might not have made a difference anyway, or might have made things worse. So I forgive myself for the things I couldn’t change/didn’t have control over. I accept what has happened and acknowledge its effect, and then I find a better way to live. It isn’t easy. It’s much, much harder than that, and other people will find their own way and “peace” in their own time.
This isn’t a competition, though. It’s not about who gets to the gate first, or how you do it. It’s about you being able to live, with yourself and what has happened, and yes, I think you’ll be happier if you find the way to do it. You can forgive and forget or you can find some other route entirely. You can go to therapy, or read books, or find new hobbies that are so engrossing you can think of nothing else, or simply hang out with awesome people, and there might be times when those things work for you or when they don’t.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: Do what feels right for you. You’re the one who knows what you need and what works for you better than anyone.
It makes me angry too. You are correct. They don’t really want my forgiveness; they just can’t stand anyone not liking them.
I don’t answer phone calls from numbers I don’t recognize. I don’t open email from people I don’t recognize. I don’t go by my real name anywhere online. I do searches for my name online and it infuriates me that my address is listed. Sometimes I panic when I’m home alone, imagining how easy it would be to find me. It is, at least in part, the reason that I own a gun, a dog and have a baseball bat next to my bed. I am in hiding and that pisses me right the fuck off.
No amount of therapy is ever going to make me want to talk to either of them ever again. I’m afraid of what I’d do if we were face to face. I wish they were dead so I didn’t have to hide anymore. I wish they would leave me alone, but in a small way, it’s comforting in the sense that, every second they’re thinking about me, they’re not planning their next victim.
I’m still trying to figure out what’s right for me. Murder probably isn’t it though. ;)
I’d think you had a crummy therapist if they encouraged you to talk to them again. Like I said, I was lucky that was even a possibility.
I HATE those sites that give out information about people; it seems to me they’re usually used for all the wrong reasons. I don’t want my information up there, but at least I don’t (think) I have any psychopaths on my tail.
I suppose you could always move to Florida before they change the self-defense laws, wait for them to walk into your house and then…wait, um, no premeditation here. And I wouldn’t necessarily recommend murder, but I am hoping that they get hit by a very drunk driver and put out of commission one way or another just for you. Is that evil? Fine. I’m evil for wishing there were less predatory horrible people out there and that you and thousands of others didn’t have to live with fears for the future on top of everything else.
Oh, no, I didn’t mean to imply that any therapist would recommend that. I just meant that I never want to face them. Ever.
That’s kind of my hope too. Since the justice system failed me so terribly, I was hoping the universe would do a little housecleaning, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I would really like not to live in fear anymore.
I’d like to offer sound words of advice but there are none suitable as I don’t have the experience to help as much as I’d like. I think we all come through these kinds of events in a slightly different way. There’s no magic formula for if, where or when we find it inside ourselves to let go/forgive/forget. Whichever description works for you – they’re just words at the end of the day – will be there when you’re ready and maybe not even looking for it. Meanwhile you’re brave beyond measure, and strong, never forget that.
No magic formula?? Dammit! ;)
Thanks, Tracy. You are quite brave yourself for talking about what you’re going through. I wish you the best.
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Great post! I linked it to mine I just wrote. Ironically or serendipitously, I did that before reading yours. Maybe mine will help in some way. The comments are really getting the cob webs out but on your page here, I’m with Twin. Couldn’t say it better. Hope you enjoy mine: http://auroramorealist.wordpress.com/2013/01/03/forgiveness-2/ Just in case you don’t get over there, I want you to know that I do not believe forgiveness necessary in every single healing journey. In fact, for me, it has been quite the opposite. Freeing myself to have the choice to release myself from the burden of forgiveness was healing in itself. Much love, light and healing going your way now.
psychopath husband tried begging for me to talk to him and give him the gift of forgiveness for christmas. instead, i am giving him the gift called “held in contempt of court.” it’s funny (sad, ironic kind of funny), because i had been thinking just these same sorts of things – not even really forgiveness but the act of moving on, of not being afraid (for me it’s a hammer beside my pillow), and not allowing p.h. to determine my future relationships; and then i realized i’m pretty sure that’s an impossible scenario. he will always be with me, what he put me through will always be in the recesses of my mind, and i try not to worry myself further than how to deal with problems that come up because of that as they do. hate is better than fear, you’re right about that, and i’m a believer that there’s too much weird pressure to forgive people who deserve to be hated.
Well, I like you, am not really looking to bestow forgiveness as much as move on. A lot of people seem to think that forgiveness is a necessary part of that. I’m beginning to think it isn’t since there’s really no way I can see myself doing that.
also, “The Rapey”? i’m going to have to tell that one to therapist bee :)
It’s a little inside joke I made to myself when I was actually able to go every week.
http://gegebearbear.wordpress.com/2013/01/04/thank-you-just-a-few-more-awards/
I nominated you for a few awards.
Aw. Thank you!
Am hoping things are okay and not going from bad to worse.
Some festive season you have had.
I reckon ‘forgive’ is one of those words like ‘love’ that people have so many different understandings of, and that leads to a lot of confusion.
Me, I take ‘forgive’ to mean “able to say and mean ‘yeah that’s fine your apology is accepted’ and not mind any more”. So by extension, I think there are some things that just shouldn’t and/or can’t be forgiven. And you don’t need to forgive them. And you don’t have to forgive them in order to live easier in your own life. But you (when I’m saying ‘you’ I mean ‘one’ but that sounds too posh! But I’m not meaning you personally!) do have to find a way to stop anger eating you up from the inside. And there’s various ways of doing that and they take time, and there’s a bit of luck involved too, and it’s good to hear others’ stories and advice, but everyone has to work out what works for them.
I’m not going to begin to try to advise someone as smart as you who has been through what you’ve been through. Just wanted you to know I’ve been thinking about your post and how you are in the last few days, though I’ve not had time to respond till now.
My bad stuff (none anything like so violent as you have written about) still has the potential at times to make me feel angry or cry. I understand why the people did what they did, but I don’t forgive them for treating anyone like that. But I wouldn’t say that these days I hold a grudge in my heart, nor that it dominates my days, nor stops me from being happy. I really hope that eventually you experience that too.
Thanks so much for the comment. When you put forgiveness that way, it definitely makes me think I can live without it. Perhaps forgiveness isn’t the right word. It’s more acceptance I suppose.
When I write posts like that, I don’t tend to dwell on them. Generally, it’s like food poisoning where I have to purge to feel better. I have to get it out and then I begin to mend.
I am glad to know you’re still swimming out there :-)
I was thinking also about the survive/thrive thing. Yesterday I was talking with my husband about something in my past and he got upset and said he wished he could have met me earlier and spared me that etc. And I said, well, I don’t, because all that makes me who I am now. And that is who I am, and who you love. If I’d had a totally easy time of it, perhaps I’d not be as nice as person, or I’d take all sorts of things for granted instead of really appreciating them. So that’s acceptance, I guess.
I understand completely where you are. I’m standing right there beside you. I’ve been trying to forgive my parents for over 6 years. I’ve been so angry for so long. I’m sick and tired of it. I need to forgive them for me, because the constant anger is changing me, and not in a good way. Forgiveness is so far the hardest thing I’ve tried to do in life. I’m making progress but I’m not there yet.
What makes it so hard for me is the abuse is ongoing. It’s not something that happened in the past and will never happen again. Unlike yours, the abuse I experience is not physical, its what another blogger has so aptly called “white-collar abuse.” Also the abusers aren’t sorry. They refuse to acknowledge that anything they have done or continue to do is hurtful. They recently emailed that they have no idea why I’m so angry. Which of course just fuels my fire.
I don’t buy into the popular belief that time heals all wounds. I mean c’mon, 6 years? I believe you have to work to heal yourself. I don’t have any real words of wisdom for you. Just want you to know you are not alone.
Eesh. I’m sorry that you know exactly what I’m talking about and that you’re still going through it! My abusers contact me from time to time as if nothing had ever happened, too. It just infuriates me more. And that’s the real problem: all of that anger is eating away at me. It’s carried by me, not by the ones who deserve it. I hope your situation gets better.
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Goldfish,
Thank you for sharing this honest post about forgiveness. I obviously can’t empathize with your experience. But while reading your post I realized that you are that little girl who has the potential to forgive. She is a part of you. Her power is your power. I hear her voice in this post. She is the one who inspired you to write about forgiveness. She is beautiful and, thus, so are you. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo
Thanks, Kozo. Sometimes you just have to get all that out.