Oh, spam. Won’t you ever learn? I wrote you a letter a year or so ago with the following advice:

If you want me to approve your ridiculous and annoying comments, they should really make sense first. So, spammers of the internetz, you really should try harder, or preferably, STOP SPAMMING.

Since then, I’ve gotten 4,392 new spam messages, giving me a grand total of over twice the spammy goodness I had when I wrote you that letter. And you know what? They’re still the same old crap.

I was Freshly Pressed last week and I was inundated with real comments by real people who like Santa Claus. It was all I could do to keep up with legitimate comments, so you spammers had to wait a while. Well, this morning, I got around to cleaning out the 96 new messages in my spam queue. Gee, thanks.

For the record:

• I don’t want your sex.

• I don’t want to enbiggen my penis. I don’t even have one. Not once have I ever heard a woman say she wants to make her tingly bits bigger.

• I often pine to myself that it would be super if someone would leave me a blog comment telling me where I can get a deal on a pair of shoes because it’s not like I have the rest of the internet right here. I would never buy anything from a spam comment. If I want shoes, software or whatever other crappy products you’re shilling, I go get them myself. I don’t wait for them to come to me.

• “Disgrace on Google for not positioning this put up upper!” I don’t really care what rank my blog is in search engines. If I did, I would try to improve it on my own and not listen to some spamming stranger incapable of uttering intelligible sentences.

• I don’t have browser compatibility issues. I use a standard WordPress template and I assume they check for that sort of thing. If they don’t, well, it’s your fault for using Internet Explorer 1.0.

• My posts are not chock full of spelling errors. I use spell-check. Yes, there is the occasional “if” when I really meant to use “and,” and I always seem to add and “i” into “moves.” I guess I like movies. For some bloody reason, I usually forget the “e” on the end of “one,” too, but that doesn’t mean my site is full of spelling errors. Hurty.

• I am not going to click on even one of the three hundred links you left me.

• I don’t speak Russian.

• That’s not even a sentence.

• “Plenty of useful info on this blog.” You are a big fat liar. How do I know this? Because you posted that comment on a letter to Santa Claus. Besides, there is no information on this blog that could be considered useful at all really.

• “Is there a means you can remove me from that service?” No. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me as I am stuck with you. Bwa ha ha.

Seriously, spammers, it’s almost 2013. Nobody is paying any attention to your shit. We get so much of it and there’s a “Bulk Actions – Delete Permanently” feature that gets rid of you all at once. So, for fuck’s sake, knock it off. What are you really gaining from all this spamming? It seems like a lot of work for naught.

And for all of you bloggers out there, I’d recommend not using the word “vagina” in your posts. You don’t even want to know.