We all gather a lot of junk in our lives. We throw it in a pile expecting to go through it later. A blog is no exception. I have a lot of drafts. 37 to be precise. Some of them are things I wrote, posted and then took down because they were just asinine. Some are posts that I started, meant to continue and just never did. Some of them end mid sentence as if I was writing when a nuclear disaster or cataclysmic zombie event happened and I was too busy building a fire and foraging for food to ever come back and worry about a silly blog post. Some of them are just random snippets of things that I wrote down before I forgot them altogether, when forgetting them might have been the best course of action.
Today, I am cleaning out the junk drawer and airing out the closet. I share with you some of the random things I found saved as drafts. I present them to you with no editing except the addition of a picture to make them seem more finished and colored text to make them more exotic. Enjoy the detritus!
On Heath Insurance
“I don’t have any. I was born in America and I have no access to health care. Unless I get shot, run over, have a heart attack or some other significantly life threatening malady, I won’t be allowed into an emergency room before waiting half a day. Afterwards, I will be sent a bill for many thousands of dollars, which I won’t be able to afford to pay. If I don’t pay it, I might have to declare bankruptcy and start all over again with a big, fat black hole sucking the life out of my financial record. Welcome to America where the medical care for those who can’t afford to buy their own is worse than a third world country.
I like how I started a new paragraph with one single letter. Is it a complete word as in “A dwarf walks into a bar…” or part of another word? Apple, apostate, ablutions, abomination, abominable? I guess we’ll never know.
A Love Poem
“Who wants to cudgel with me?”
This is exactly why I don’t write poetry.
Finish this sentence
I told him where I was going, and he hurried me out, pointing to the door with the gun, but what he didn’t know was…
… that we’d secretly replaced his real gun for one that was made of cheese and there was a polar bear wearing a tuxedo waiting on the other side. Let’s see what happens.
“Excuse me, Mr. Polar Bear, but would you mind moving aside so that I may make my way through the vestibule with this woman as my hostage?”
“Dear sir, I am purposely in your way so that you may not find safe passage with this woman as a hostage. I do apologize and hope it won’t inconvenience you too terribly.”
“I’m sorry to say, Mr. Bear, that I am in fact inconvenienced by the fact that you appear to be quite solid and that I am unable to merely walk through you. Would you mind terribly removing yourself from the way if only for a moment? If you do not, I may be forced to use this gun that I’m holding which might dreadfully inconvenience both of us.”
“Why are you aiming a gun made of cheese, good sir? ” said the polar bear.
“I wasn’t aware that it was made of cheese until you pointed it out.” He limply held the gun in the palm of his hand.
“Interesting. That gun looks delicious. May I have a piece, please?”
Certainly, Mr. Bear. Take the whole thing if you’d like. Mind the bullets though.”
“Thank you sir. I was feeling a mite peckish and I’m afraid there’s still an hour until my dinner engagement. Since, we’ve already broken the proverbial bread together, would you mind explaining why it is that you are holding this woman hostage before I allow you to through this vestibule? My honor will not allow a lady to suffer and she does look like she needs a respite.”
“Well, you see, Mr. Bear, it’s all a bit of a misunderstanding. But, why are you so dressed up, Mr. Polar Bear?”
What is this… I don’t even… lolwut?
Things I Can’t Live Without
Word count: 0. I NEED NOTHING.
“I have nothing to say. I’ve run out of words. I’ve been wracking my brains to figure out something to discuss for the past couple of days, but I’ve got nothing.I wrote a post yesterday that was dreadfully boring so I didn’t post it. Today’s isn’t shaking out to be much better.”
Appropriately titled it seems.
How do you decide on new year’s resolutions?
“It’s quite simple; I don’t. I don’t believe in resolutions. I mean, I believe in them–they do exist, unlike unicorns and well-paid graphic design jobs–but I just don’t do them.”
When I Grow Up, I Want To Be David Bowie
Any comments? No? OK, then. Moving on.
Real People I Don’t Want To Drink With 2
Stories In Just Six Words
“I hate how I miss you.
Surprisingly, the monkey missed the zoo.
Room for rent. No magicians allowed.
She watched her blood pool slowly.
Only 300 more miles until home.
His hands still smelled of gunpowder.
Tear-stained eyes stared from the mirror.
An empty horizon in every direction.
The trees flew past the window.
The rising sun showed the devastation.
Parts needed! Must leave solar system.
Sign says, ‘next exit 100 miles.’
On my mark, get set, GO!”
I suck at short stories.
I’m so very drag-ass tired
Less than one hour left
How to spend that time?
How does one waste a whole hour?
Write haiku, of course!
I could write about
Puppies, kittens or rainbows
Instead, I choose hate
Haiku about hate
I have written them before
There’s nothing new here
Some have been posted
on angryhaiku dot com
In fact, here are three:
“I piss on your shoe
Sweet golden hatred rains down
Hipster footwear wrecked
You ignorant ass
Stupidity knows no bounds
Shut your damn piehole
Smite thine enemy
With fierce and mighty vengeance
Go fuck a landmine”
Those are quite angry
A mite more ire than normal
I must have seen red
I’m not angry now
Just extremely exhausted
And biding my time
Waiting for the end
Of this incessant work week
so I can go sleep
Five will come soon
When I will be out the door
Have a good weekend!”
That picture is usually how I feel come Fridays. I have way too much time on my hands sometimes. OK, that’s all the embarrassment I’m willing to share today.