1. All this anti-gay bullshit. Last time I discussed this, it was Oreo cookies in the hot seat for making a gay pride cookie. Now it’s Chick-Fil-A a fast food company that has donated at least $5 million to anti-gay organizations and straight-up hate groups that depict gay people as pedophiles, want to make “gay behavior” illegal, and even say gay people should be exported out of America. When this information came out, prompted by some hateful comments by the restaurant chain’s owner, it led to a boycott of the chain by gay rights activists, including Kermit the Frog. That prompted Former Republican presidential candidate Mike “Shitbag” Huckabee (may or may not be his real nickname) to come up with Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, a counter-protest with the goal of showing support for the franchise. This led to a counter-counter-protest by gay rights supporters to stage a National Same-Sex Kiss Day at Chick-fil-A tomorrow. I can’t wait to see the pictures. Even if I was against gay rights and marriage equality, I would think twice about giving money to a company that is being sued by a former employee who claims her supervisor fired her because he wanted her to be a ‘stay home mother ‘and replaced her with a male employee. I have never eaten at Chick-Fil-A and now I never will.
2. Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church douchebaggery. I can’t think of anything tackier than protesting a funeral with signs that say “God hates fags.” I am all for free speech, but really, Fred? Really? You have the right to say anything you want and that’s the message you choose to send? Even though I vehemently disagree with your point, I will defend your right to say it, but there is a time and place for tactless idiocy and a funeral is not it.
3. Spam. It’s everywhere. It’s in your mailbox at home, your email accounts and everywhere you go online. And now, with my smart phone, I get it on my phone. Nothing pisses me off more than looking at the little flashy notification indicator on my phone to find it’s a goddamn spam message. I miss the days when phones were just for phone calls.
4. Cats. I have one. I’ve always had one. Why exactly? I think it’s just habit at this point. Seriously, who ever thought that domesticating cats was a good idea? Here’s a furry thing with razor sharp claws that sleeps all day, poops in a box, eats its weight in food, shuns proper toys for any old piece of trash lying about, and alternates between actively trying to destroy us and our belongings, and generally not caring if we’re alive or dead. Great! Let’s put it in our house! OK, so maybe I don’t hate cats, but damn, are they weird. Sometimes, I’ll catch my cat just staring at me and it freaks me out. I don’t know how long he’s been doing it.
5. Mouthwash. I like the concept of mouthwash, but the execution is lacking. After I brush my teeth, I try to use some Listerine. The directions say you’re supposed to swoosh it around your mouth for one minute. I’ve never been able to make it. I get about 30 seconds in and my eyes are watering, my nose is running, making it difficult to breathe, and my taste buds are on fire. I spit it into the sink, breathe like I just reached the surface after being submerged underwater, spitting every last remaining bit out with a contemptible ptooey, and chalk yet another mouthwash win on the bathroom scoreboard. Someday, I will defeat you, mouthwash.
6. Asking someone to repeat themselves because you didn’t catch what they said and they rephrase it instead of repeating it. I’m partially deaf in my right ear. This makes it difficult to hear, especially in busy places with lots of background noise. I ask people to repeat themselves often. People never assume that I’m partially deaf, so I’m pretty sure they think that I didn’t understand what they said, not that I simply didn’t hear it. Even if you don’t hear what someone says, you can hear the cadence, tone and general length of the sentence, like listening to someone speak in a language you don’t know. So, when they rephrase it instead of repeating it, it’s jarring because you’re listening specifically for the part of the sentence you didn’t hear. You’re expecting the same cadence, tone and length, and you get something entirely different. It also makes it seem like they’re dumbing-down their point for me. I’m not an idiot; I just didn’t hear what you said. STOP MUMBLING.
7. Asking someone to repeat themselves because you didn’t catch what they said and they repeat the part you heard, not the part you didn’t. People tend to repeat the same words the same way they said them the first time, so it’s quite likely that if they mumble the first time over a word, they will the second time, too. However, I’m talking about when people selectively guess the part of the sentence that their audience didn’t hear and repeat only that. For example, sitting in a crowded restaurant, the person across from me says, “______ for some, miniature American flags for others.” I’ll say, “I’m sorry, what did you say?” To which my interlocutor will miraculously guess the part that I heard and repeat only that, “I said, miniature American flags for others.” Sigh.
8. I hate it when people don’t pay attention to a thing you’re saying. You’ll speak a deeply inspired paragraph unraveling life’s mysteries, expecting an “Aha!” only to look over and notice that they weren’t listening to a damn word you said. That’s generally when I start speaking gibberish just to see how long it takes them to notice. “Banana sparrow digs behind the noon surprise butt sex.” “What did you say?” Sigh.
9. Unreasonably expensive things. I hate going to a busy area with no parking to find a parking lot with a sign displaying “public parking $30″ as if that’s a total bargain. $30 just to park my car and you’re not even going to wash, vacuum, change the oil or read it a love poem it while I’m gone? Are you freakin’ kidding me? Generally, when you see that $30 dollar sign, if you drive a block or two farther, you’ll find one that is $15. Somehow that’s not much better. They’ve got a captive audience and can charge anything they want because they know you don’t have a choice. You have to put your car somewhere.
10. Poetry. With very few exceptions (Shakespeare, Bukowski and song lyrics), I don’t like it. It could be because I really suck at writing it myself, but poetry generally makes me irrationally annoyed. I prefer prose. Fuck off with your coffee-house open-mic bullshittery. I just came in here for some coffee and pie. I don’t want to hear you yapping on about trees and clouds and feelings. I can appreciate the balls it takes to get up in front of a crowd and share heartfelt personal poetry, but that doesn’t mean I like it or want to hear it. I’ll get my pie to go.