Hello, Internet. It’s Friday again, which means it’s time for Dear Goldfish, the (not very) weekly series where I answer real questions asked by our studio audience, the internet. The following questions have been submitted by people who typed words into search engines with no editing or censoring.

Dear Goldfish,
the republic of plato?

Well, Plato wrote a book called The Republic, but as far as I know, he didn’t have a republic of his own.

Dear Goldfish,
amendment 1 comics?

Are there any? I’m not sure. Since The First Amendment to the United States Constitution is mostly text, I’m not sure that would make a great comic. There aren’t even any characters. I suppose you could write it in Comic Sans:

Join us next week when Bill from Schoolhouse Rock explains the exciting world or filibusters!

Dear Goldfish,
our solar system in relation to the universe?

It’s nice that so many of you have taken an interest in the universe. Our solar system in relation to the universe is very, very tiny. We are so small and the universe is so big that we can’t even see the whole thing.

Dear Goldfish,
orangutan monkey?

There is no such thing. There is an orangutan, an exclusively Asian species of extant great apes. And then there is a monkey, a primate of the Haplorrhini suborder and simian infraorder, but excluding apes. They are two entirely different species. Glad we cleared that up.

Dear Goldfish,
robot writing songs?

Perhaps there are robots out there that are adept at writing songs, but I doubt it. We can’t even get a robot to understand the nuances of language and inflection, so any robot-written song is likely to be terrible. When robots understand the concept of sarcasm, maybe then, they’ll be able to write lyrics, but by then, we’ll all have bigger things to think about, like satisfying our new artificial intelligence robot overlords.

Dear Goldfish,
can money buy happiness?

Yes. For a limited time only, a one month supply of Happiness is available for the low price of only five easy payments of $19.99! Act now and we’ll throw in another 30 day supply absolutely free!

Take two tablets daily with food.

Dear Goldfish,
why does the milky way suck you up ?

Hm. I wasn’t aware that it did. Technically, if you are on this planet, i.e. Earth, you have been swallowed whole by the Milky Way galaxy, but I think it’s been that way for a long, long time.

Dear Goldfish,
unit of measurement knot?

Yup. A knot is a unit that measures nautical miles. The term comes from tying knots in a rope at regular intervals, throwing it over the side of a ship and timing how long it took to reach the next one. Like so:

High tech maritime measuring equipment. Bucket sold separately.

Neat, huh?

Dear Goldfish,

צעצוע של אופטימוס פריים?

Cool! Hebrew! You know what’s cool about that particular Hebrew? It means Optimus Prime toy. That’s right, we know how to say Optimus Prime toy in Hebrew now. That’s tits. Anyway, here you go:

צעצוע של אופטימוס פריים More than meets the eye.

Dear Goldfish,
i’m a black belt in passive aggression?

I’m sorry to hear that. You should really try to get a more useful black belt, like one in karate, since no one likes passive aggression.

Dear Goldfish,
whats up chicken butt?

Not much, chicken butt. Guess why, chicken thigh?

Dear Goldfish,
is a dime a dozen a cliche ?

It sure is. When was the last time you were able to buy anything for a dime, let alone a dozen of something? That’s a dead giveaway it’s ancient old. Same goes for “a penny for your thoughts” or “here’s a quarter, call someone who cares.” Damn inflation.

Dear Goldfish,
who invented the saying “money doesn’t grow on trees”?

Well, I’m not entirely sure that you can invent a saying. You can trademark or copyright one, but inventing may be a stretch. Who said it originally? Probably my grandmother.

Dear Goldfish,
foundation to cure stupidity?

Is there one? There really should be. We need to cure stupidity. It’s plaguing this great nation.

Dear Goldfish,
left hander using scissor jokes?

A left-handed person walks into a bar with a pair of right-handed scissors. A right-handed person says, “Haha! Your scissors are upside-down!” The left-handed person stabs them in the eyeball. The end.

Dear Goldfish,
why does my dog climb on top of me?

Because you’re lying or sitting down? Because you are very small and your dog is very large? Because you have bacon in your lap? Because dogs don’t have arms per se so they can’t hug us and that’s how they show their affection? I don’t know. Ask your dog.

Dear Goldfish,
thialand gold fish bowl porn?

I don’t even want to know.

Dear Goldfish,
goldfish population map?

Fish not to scale.

Dear Goldfish,
this is a well-known fact?

Why, yes, it is.

Well, that’s just about all we have time for today. Remember, you can submit your own question to Dear Goldfish. Thanks for joining us and be sure to come back for more Dear Goldfish next week! Thank you and good night!

More Dear Goldfish.