On Children
I’ve never been a fan. I don’t like their squealing, whining, quizzling (a word I made up in the post Furious Spurious Lexis) and inability to comport themselves in a non-screechy manner. Even when I was a child, I wasn’t really a big fan of children. The kids I hung out with tended to be older than me. My sister was, and still is I suppose, four and a half years older than I am. When she was ten, I was five and a half. No ten-year old in their right mind wants a five-year old hanging around, but I always did anyway. So, my natural leaning was towards things and people older than my years.
Fast forward to last month when some very dear friends were slated to stay at my house with their four-year old child. I was a little reticent about the offspring. I don’t enjoy the company of children probably because I am not around a lot of children. It’s a vicious circle of anti-children. I’m never quite sure how to talk to them. I can never seem to gauge their intelligence level, and most importantly, I swear a lot. I don’t mean to, but I, quite literally, am required to swear at my job and it has pervaded all other aspects of my life. I was a little worried that I would break out with a “cock-sucking, motherfucking cunts!” while the boy was in my presence and there would be a four-year old repeating my filthy, potty-mouth words. The child would forever be scarred, unable to make it through a job interview without yelling “cunts!”, and his career prospects would be ruined forever because I am unable refrain from swearing for five measly minutes.
Well, after spending some time with him, I am now a fan of one child. This child is quite possibly the most awesome child ever. He ingratiated himself to me from the first moment we met. He didn’t yell for no reason, bite me, destroy anything, demand unreasonable amounts of attention, and most importantly, he had manners. If I gave him something, he said thank you. If he asked something, he said please. He realized that the entire world did not revolve entirely around him, which is far more than a lot of adults can say.
He is the kind of child that makes you want to do things for him because he didn’t demand anything. His expectations were realistic. He had an amazing imagination and was perfectly capable of entertaining himself. We went out to breakfast and he didn’t crawl around on the floor, throw food or start squealing like he was on fire.
He was never bored. When they first arrived at my house, we were all sitting outside in my yard. While the adults were catching up, the child walked around my yard hunting for snides. He was the self-declared snide king and my dog was the snide queen. She followed him everywhere he went. It was, quite possibly, the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. He was perfectly content searching the yard for snides with his queen.
I was sad to see him go. I miss him and his parents now that they’ve all gone back up north. I never thought that was possible. Before they arrived, I assumed that the child would be something I tolerated while they were here. I never suspected that the kid would worm his way into my cold wizened heart and stay there, but he did. This morning, I got a message from his mom that said, “This evening, while drawing he said to me ‘I think Goldfish is my favorite lady that I’ve met.’ High praise from a boy who LOVES the ladies…” I responded with, “Well, he is my favorite kid.” I meant it. I may have to rethink this whole not liking children thing.
6 Responses to “On Children”
Goldie, I’ll be honest here. I’m not a big fan of the babies myself.
Allow me to clarify what I mean by “babies”. To me, babies qualify as any child that is of the age of 0 to 8 years old. They always seem to be loud and squirmy. They need more attention than I really want to give them and usually end up overstaying their welcome within an hour.
When you turn 9 you become a kid. Then you really start to think for yourself. (This is all conjecture by the way)
So far I don’t think I’ve met many real adults, that’s why I refer to most people I know as kids still. For example, I still consider myself a kid.
Though, I do still wish I had a child sidekick who could always chime in a say something funny or would just be a little adult. I would show him/her some cool stuff along the way and I’m sure they would keep me in check from time to time.
This doesn’t mean I’m totally opposed to the idea of having children for myself, whenever that is. I’m sure whatever comes out will end up being lovable in a way that only I could understand. Even if it poops itself and demands 24 hour attention… But I expect this to be a long ways down the road.
I pretty much feel the same way. In some ways, this kid was more of a “real adult” than many adults I’ve met.
I don’t like other people’s kids. I’m sure i’ll love mine.
Also, poop jokes are the funniest to me and other children. Who knew?
On topic, it sounds like your friend’s kid is being raised right, kudos to them.
Parents teaching their children manners. Imagine that. Whatever happened to manners? My mom would have beat me senseless* if I behaved like some of these entitled rugrats you see so many of these days, screeching in public and crawling on floors.
*not necessarily meant literally.
And anyone who doesn’t find poop jokes funny is no friend of mine.
Hah, sometimes I don’t even like my own! But honestly, when they’re yours, it’s okay. I was in your camp, too, Golds.
Your diggin’ in the archives. ;)
Yeah, if it was my kid, I’d definitely feel differently.