1. Drunk people. I was the designated driver at a party a week or two ago. I had two drinks all night from 9pm to 6am when I finally dragged my friends home. I was as far from drunk as the rest of the party was from sober. It was fine until the wee small hours when everyone had reached peak drunkenness and felt the need to get all huggy and tell each other how awesome they are. Once the crying started, I knew it was too late. I enjoy a cocktail as much as the next guy and I’ve even done the drunken, hugging, crying, “you’re awesome!” thing myself on occasion, I just wish we had left before the crying started. New rule: when everyone starts hugging, it’s time to go.
2. Regional accents. I am from Detroit, Michigan, Midwest, USofA. Some Midwesterners have accents. Watch the movie Fargo or go to the Upper Peninsula in Michigan and you will see exactly what a Midwestern accent sounds like. I don’t have an accent. When I was young, I might have had an accent on certain words, but I purposely tried to get rid of it. Yes, it’s all a matter of perspective, e.g. someone from England would say I have an American accent and they’d be right, but I’m talking about regional American accents. I don’t have one. I feel sorry for anyone who does unless they’re in their own region. If you’re in Boston and you talk like a Bostonian, that’s fine, but if you get anywhere outside of New England, that accent just sounds idiotic. “Park the car in Harvard Yard” should not sound like “pahk the cah in Hahvad Yahd.”
3. Tea Partiers. Every time I hear this term, my eyes involuntarily roll to the back of my head. It’s not that I’m against fiscal responsibility, in fact, I’m all for it. That’s the only topic on which Republicans and I can remotely see eye to eye. It’s everything else they stand for and want to push through that makes me want to throw them off the boat. These people need to go away. The only good thing about them is that they’re creating a small rift in the Republican party. Giving tax breaks to the rich does not give more money to the poor, the government does not have a right to tell me what to do with my uterus or my words, and theocracy is a shitty form of government.
4. Anti-vaccine parents. What are you even thinking? Your child should be immunized against things like small pox or leprosy. If you don’t want to vaccinate your child, your child should not be in school. It’s that simple. I really don’t get this thinking that vaccines are all of a sudden bad. Vaccinate your children, people, if not for the safety of your child, at least for all those that your patient-zero spawn comes into contact with. The same goes for people who force their children to be vegan. I don’t really care what you do to yourselves, but take care of your children.
5. Irresponsible pet owners. I took my dog to the dog park the other day where she was attacked by the same pit bull three times. Fortunately, the pit was just being a bully and my dog was fine. The owner leisurely sauntered over and pulled her dog off of mine as if I was the one in the wrong for daring to bring my non-aggressive dog to the dog park. She never once apologized or even asked after the welfare of my dog. I was the one who ended up putting a leash on my dog and leaving. If I hadn’t been so concerned about my dog, I would have punched her right in the face. People like that are the reason pit bulls have a bad reputation. It’s not the dog; it’s the owner.
6. People who treat their pets like children or fashion accessories. Some people act as if their little five-pound dog is a doll. They dress them up in stupid outfits and buy them little boots. No matter how small or cute, a dog is a dog. They are not children, people or dolls. They have legs, four of them, and they can walk themselves. They are living animals and should be treated as such. If I ever buy a little dress for my dog, someone please shoot me in the head because I’ve clearly lost my mind.
7. “I could care less.” Um, I hate to break it to you, but that actually means you care. If you are able to care less, that means that you care in the first place. The phrase is “I couldn’t care less,” which means that there’s no possible way that you could care any less than you do now. If you’re still confused by this, just say “I don’t care.”
8. Gum. Just what is the point of it? Most gum retains flavor for about ten seconds before it turns into just a piece of tasteless rubber that you can’t even blow a bubble with. Even worse than chewing gum myself is watching other people do it. Trying to understand what someone is saying while they’re chewing their cud like a cow is very disagreeable, not to mention the popping and chewing noises they make. The problem with gum, besides the fact that it loses its flavor immediately, is that you have to get rid of it somehow. You either have to spit it out, wrap it up in something or stick it somewhere. I really hate stepping on someone’s gum. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. I prefer breath mints.
9. Parking lots. I hate when people take up two parking spots so their precious vehicle doesn’t get scratched. I hate when one asshole who parks over the line forces a whole bunch of people to park like assholes. I hate motorcycles that take up a whole parking space; it tricks me into thinking there is a parking space there and you could have parked that bike anywhere. I hate when giant SUVs and trucks park in “compact only” spaces. I hate people who wait for parking spots by the door. I hate when people don’t notice that someone is waiting for their spot and they put on makeup, balance their checkbook or whatever else it is they’re doing while sitting there. I hate seeing someone get out of a car parked in a handicapped space with a handicapped placard when they are clearly not handicapped in a way that impedes their locomotion. I hate that the laws of driving somehow break down in a parking lot.
10. I hate waiting in line behind the unprepared. For example, there’s a big line at the grocery store and the person in front of you didn’t notice that they forgot their wallet until they fumble around in their bag for five minutes after everything is already rung up as if it’s a complete surprise that they might have to actually pay for their purchases. When I’m in line to pay for something, my check card and any related paraphernalia that is necessary to the transaction is already out and in my hand. By not being ready for your transaction, you are holding up everyone else in line. Be prepared. It’s just common courtesy.