As I was writing that title, I realized that there is no emoticon for hate. That’s just not right. We have one for love, but why not hate? What is the opposite of <3? If it doesn’t already exist, someone should work on that. We have the technology.
When I was a kid, my mom told me never to say “I hate” something; instead, say “I intensely dislike” whatever it was that I hated. Well, in the interest of brevity, I’m disregarding that rule.
1. Facebook. I hate Facebook in general, but I’ve broken it down as follows:
1a. I hate when single people who are recently no longer single put pictures of themselves and their new significant other as their profile picture on the Facebook. When I see that, it seems like that new relationship is just destined to fail. It’s like a harbinger of doom. Or even worse, when they talk about how in love they are and every little detail of their brand new relationship. That’s retarded. You just met.
1b. I hate when new parents put pictures of their new offspring as their profile picture. That is not you. That is a different person. You are not that young. You have your own identity (maybe). If you must post your newborn on Facebook (which I’m sure, as the proud parent of a new child, it’s impossible not to do), create an album. Failing that, a picture of you holding your baby will work. I think we’ll be able to figure out which is which.
1c. Other assorted FB nonsensery: quizzes, applications, friend requests from people I don’t know as if Facebook will bring us closer, invitations to events that I can’t attend because I live thousands of miles away, pictures of events to which I wasn’t invited, status updates about going to the gym and what you plan to do there, eating dinner, going to sleep, waking up, blinking, breathing, etc. “I woke up after I went to sleep. I was blinking! I went to the gym and did 20 squat thrusts. I ate an artichoke. I plan to breathe some more tonight.” If I really want to know every little ordinary detail of your mundane life, I will ask you. Please, try to be more creative.
2. Fair weather sports fans and all this new-found sports crap. For instance, the World Cup and the Olympics. These people are not regularly sports fans and all of a sudden they are. Putting a flag on your car does not make you a sports fan any more than sticking feathers up your butt makes you a chicken.
3. I hate Oprah’s book club. I will give her credit for getting her sheeple to read something besides People Magazine, but I wish she’d use her vast power and influence on more worthwhile subjects. Other than the very few classics she’s got tucked in there (As I Lay Dying, East of Eden, etc.) I’ve unknowingly read one and a half of Oprah’s contemporary book picks.
The first, James Frey’s A Million Little Pieces, was pretty good, I thought. When I was reading it, based solely on how much dialog there is in it, I surmised that it was not a true story. It actually never entered my head that it was anything other than a work of fiction. After I read the book, I heard that there was all sorts of Oprah-related controversy because apparently the author passed it off as autobiographical and it was not. So fucking what? Most autobiographies are not factual anyway. If an autobiography has more than a few scattered lines of dialog, it’s a lie.
The second book was Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. I couldn’t even finish it; it was that terrible. So, Oprah, thanks for taking up the mantle of reading, but could you be a little more selective in the books you choose, please? There are countless authors out there who are preferable to Cormac fucking McCarthy.
4. Part-time vegetarians. I’m talking about people who will eat fish or chicken, but not red meat, or those who will wear leather shoes or eat dairy or wear/use/eat any number of animal by-products, but won’t eat meat. “I won’t eat anything with a face.” Uh huh.
5. Crazy Pet People. I’ve talked about crazy pet people in this blog before, so I’m just going to quote myself: “You know the type; the ones who buy little sweaters for animals that already have built-in fur, carry their babies around in little handbags even though they have perfectly functional legs, talk baby talk to them in public and always have pictures of their children in their wallet should the actual pet not be readily at hand.”
6. Ideologues. If you’ve thought through a certain system, policy or creed, and happen to agree down the line, then good for you. But I’m talking about people who blindly follow an ideology or dogma. It doesn’t matter whether I happen to agree with a stance on a particular subject, anyone who uncompromisingly tows a religious, philosophical or party line without thinking for themselves, really needs to start thinking.
7. Religion in government. I’ve said it a thousand times; I don’t care what you believe, just don’t expect me to pay for it. Don’t practice it on public land, keep it off of my money, out of the Pledge of Allegiance and far from public schools.
8. Remakes. Hollywood has always remade movies. This is nothing new. They’ve done it since time immemorial, but recently, there has been a glut of remade television shows, foreign films, books, comic books, other movies and little else. It seems that it’s all about the almighty dollar and creative thought is dead, or at least, it’s no longer being financed by the studios.
9. Sissy Hollywood movie stars. Two words: Robert Mitchum. Name one star working in Hollywood today who’s comparable. Yes, there’s Clint Eastwood, but he’s like 90 now. And we still have Russell Crowe, but by and large, the masculine, manly stars of yesteryear, the Bogarts, Mitchums and McQueens, have all been replaced by girlie, hairless mini-men. Hollywood is populated by Lilliputian, teenage-looking, effeminate boys whose voices are higher and whose hair is longer than mine. Even their names are laughable: Leonardo, Orlando and Shia. Really? Where did all the testosterone go?
10. Either through selfishness, blindness, jealousy or wilfulness, there are some people who want to make everything all about them. For instance, you tell them a story, and before you’re even done, they’re chomping at the bit to tell you all about their experiences, related or not. “I just got back from the moon! I was the first blogger to ever circle the earth.” Followed by, “I see the moon every night. No big deal.” or “I went to the Arizona desert once, too. It looks just like the moon. They say the moon landing was filmed there. So, anyway, doesn’t my hair look awesome?” Once more, I reiterate rule number one of the universe,it is not about you.